Thursday, July 9, 2009

Solitary Confinement

I'm in a frustrated funk.

My situation hasn't changed much, really. But, my attitude has.

I go through these times of frustrated funk, occasionally. They're normal, I think, for an autism mom.

Doesn't make them any easier.

A recent event ripped a scab from a wound that I thought had healed better, followed by other events that have rubbed salt in the fresh-again wound.

Too many reminders too close together of what autism stole sends me into a frustrated funk.

The absolute worst part of all of it is the "solitary confinement" of autism. Sitting with does not equal being a part of. Conversations around me are so much in another world that they may as well be in another language. In every social arena, from little boy baseball games to VBS to neighborhood fun, I am on the periphery, an outsider, with a priority different from the other adults, not actively participating with the adults, because my priority, my ministry, is a child on the autism spectrum. It's a priority that brings an isolation that other autism parents understand, but few others even recognize.

Lately, the "solitary confinement" has become too heavy, too loud, too much. It overshadows the huge progress we have made. And I am in a frustrated funk.

PS: I know where I need to go. I am listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, "Hiding Place" as I type.


poohder said...

Penny, I GET IT!! Thanks for making "our" feelings known. Rhonda

Prince Andrew and the Queen Mum said...

maybe it is spreading thru Michigan?? just FYI- you have really helped me this week- even while being in your funk. i know it doesn't make it better... but just wanted to say that.

bensmyson said...

It must be something in the air. I too had a scab ripped from me this week. The rope of hope is really slippery sometimes. Hang on.

Anonymous said...

Penny... Just had to say HI and I understand. I have just read through some of your posts and you hit on some many areas that I can relate too... I have been in a funk the past couple of days thinking I need to reach out- to get involved in a ministry at church or something, but am limited because my ministry is at home with my daughter with autism and also with my son who I also homeschool. Thank you for taking the time to write and communicate. I don't know where you live, but I wish we could be friends... I SO get it. :-)

Susan in IL

Penny said...

Thanks, EVERYONE -- makes me feel better to know that someone else understands. Susan, I'm in a state that borders yours.

Unknown said...

I feel your pain. I'm there today. Sometimes, I wonder what has happened to my life. Autism seems to have overtaken it.

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